Two directly opposite and conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. This fact has always blown my mind. Translation – I have never understood who that can happen. For instance, a friend of mine died at age 17, and while I mourned the loss, thought bad for the family, and cried in my room, I had a conflicting thought at her funeral. It was held in the biggest church in Southern Ontario because it was the only church that would be able to accommodate hundreds of mourners.
The occasion was heartbreaking, many people were crying, both family and friends had more than a tear in their eye but I was also thinking how much I envy her. She is dead and I envy her because there were a thousand people at the church who loved her. I know this because I loved her and I knew all who knew her must love her too. She was easy to love.
Pictures ran through my head of how my funeral would look and I pictured 40 people in the church and thirty of them were family. I became depressed and wished I could trade places with her. I guess I only envied her because life is so confusing and challenging and I am scared to move forward. I am having what is called a post-teen crisis. I am filled with anxiety and confusion about my future. She does not have to go through this. However, it is useless for me to think this way.
Time can’t stand still, we must all move on to the undiscovered country that is our future. Unfortunately we don’t get a road map but we always have a compass – our conscience telling us what is right and what is wrong. We should listen carefully.