Time for Dead Seriousness

Two directly opposite and conflicting emotions can be felt at the same time. This fact has always blown my mind. Translation – I have never understood who that can happen. For instance, a friend of mine died at age 17, and while I mourned the loss, thought bad for the family, and cried in my room, I had a conflicting thought at her funeral. It was held in the biggest church in Southern Ontario because it was the only church that would be able to accommodate hundreds of mourners.

The occasion was heartbreaking, many people were crying, both family and friends had more than a tear in their eye but I was also thinking how much I envy her. She is dead and I envy her because there were a thousand people at the church who loved her. I know this because I loved her and I knew all who knew her must love her too. She was easy to love.

Pictures ran through my head of how my funeral would look and I pictured 40 people in the church and thirty of them were family. I became depressed and wished I could trade places with her. I guess I only envied her because life is so confusing and challenging and I am scared to move forward. I am having what is called a post-teen crisis. I am filled with anxiety and confusion about my future. She does not have to go through this. However, it is useless for me to think this way.

Time can’t stand still, we must all move on to the undiscovered country that is our future. Unfortunately we don’t get a road map but we always have a compass – our conscience telling us what is right and what is wrong. We should listen carefully.

5 responses to “Time for Dead Seriousness”

  1. i dont think i have ever envied the dead. where there is life, there is hope, is what i always say. people ask me how i’m doing: i say breathing. sometimes we can complicate life and make it confusing…don’t be afraid to move forward, plan for today and look forward to tomorrow but don’t fear the future. with good choices we can have a great life.

  2. Hi Chase.

    I enjoyed this very much. It was written by a sensitive, caring and thoughtful person.

    PS I like your avatar!

  3. Hi Chase,

    I find it interesting at the age of 17, you were writing how your conscientious was speaking to you, reminding you what was right, and what was wrong. Those are some heavy thoughts for a 17 year old to think, let alone, write.

  4. Ah, you were worrying about your place in the world and feeling unknown and undiscovered.

    I have been there, my friend, walked alone on cold beaches and through the dark of night, wanting to be connected, wanting to be wanted.

  5. Hi Natural,

    I still find myself thinking of her but I don’t envy here any longer. I now pretty much agree with what you had to say in your comment. Thanks!

    Hi Davina,

    I am enjoying the avatar as well. I desgined it with pen and paper and scanned it. I couldn’t figure otu how to colour it though. Fortunately I had a friend who could do that for me. I’m really impressed with how it turned out. I’m glad you like it too.

    Hi Barbara,

    I kind of wish some of my poetry from that era had survivied. I know it was deep and dark too. I’m not sure why I thought like that at the time but I did. It’s nice to have found this book again to revisit it.

    Hi ECD,

    It’s strange but I am still trying to find my place in the world. I just don’t think it is as static as I thought it would be at the age. But I am a lot more comfortable now. And this feels right.

    Thanks for all the comments!